How many things in life do we treasure? How do we consider them as treasure? I think I lost something I treasure very much, my mother. Because I feel like nothing matters any more, I don't care anymore.. About anything and everything.. Why should I? Do I need to? Everyone has their own story, their drama in their life.. Sadly, I am in the same shoes as them. Nobody will say their story is less drama than theirs. Because they felt it. Because you feel it, that's why is hurts more. Let's not compare because it wont take us anywhere.. In life, there are too many stories to share, because we experience so much.. Happen that, now when I watch drama, when someone is feeling sick in the hospital or going to go to a 'better place', it's what they call it, I feel so much more than better. It remind me of what happened. From the start to the end.. But I didn't cry. It is either because I am stronger or I am weaker. Strong. Taking the fact in and continuing with my life. Or weak. Just in denial, waiting to break down again someday. Breakdown, cry like a idiot, tell yourself to be stronger and not to cry again. But since I am weak, so I will just wait for the next breakdown time. Smiling and tears just rolled down. Dont think that it only appear in drama, because it happened. One sec smiling and one thought can bring a tear in your face. Somehow I wanted to blog my thoughts down, as there are too much. Too much to ever handle. Now that exam are over, I got time for these. I dont really know how to talk to people about these kind of things, not that good in words too. But here is the only way I hide everything.. I hope that I can do well in exam for my mother to be proud of me. Friends. We need them dont we? Somehow I always acted strong like nothing happen to me.. But by the number of words I have in this random blog post simply just break the act. I am not that ok. But I have to be ok. For me and everyone else. I need to be strong, so that my brother can be strong too. Negative energy just spread, when you are weak. Even in your own body.. I hate pity. Pride and ego, people might say, but I dont give a shit. Sometimes we want attention, we want care and concern to somehow show some value in life. Value in Life. Somehow I want people to read it to understand how I actually feel, for concern, but I can't do that because every concern comes with pity first. So I rather ask for courage to be stronger, than concern. Strong or weak you decide. I know there is one person, no, maybe everyone will think I am silly. A 21 years old with pride. No reason to why act like this and be like this. I know. Believe me I know. I know all these are silly, but still need time and courage to handle all these. So please just let me be silly and believe in me. Because I know I will one day... One day. I am the problem. I know it. I should learn. Learn to let go of the past and move forward. But now just let me be silly... Whatever fuck that is happening or coming, I would still treasure my life, because that's what my mother gave me. What she left me with, other than memories... I really wish that she will have a more comfortable life next life, less suffering at least. In this life, she suffered too much, too much to be put in words. No one can understand that pain she went through. But she was strong to the very last minute and I am very proud of her, my mother.